Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Want some cheese with that whine?

I know it’s important to be positive, but I’m going to be negative and whiny for a minute here.

WHY is it SO hard to lose weight? WHY am I up almost a pound today even though I didn’t exceed my Points yesterday? It was a rest day, and apparently I can’t have a rest day without gaining weight. I have a Weight Watchers weigh in tomorrow, and I’m fairly certain I won’t post a loss. Even after a good workout tonight, I bet I’ll only be down .5 tomorrow. And that just won’t be enough to see a loss at my meeting.

I know you’re not supposed to get this down on yourself, but I can’t help but look at my progress and wonder if it’s really worth it. Since rejoining Weight Watchers seven weeks ago, I’ve lost about four pounds. That’s it. On an almost-200 pound frame, that isn’t noticeable. Not at all. I’ve basically been busting my ass to get that pathetic loss, and I could easily regain it all within a matter of days.

Honestly, is it worth it? I expend a LOT of mental energy thinking about weight. I don’t focus on my job as much as I should because I’m busy researching weight loss stuff, reading weight loss blogs and charting calories and exercise. Even though I’d like to think I’m living my life to the fullest right now, a big part of me is hoping to feel happier and better about myself once some of the weight is gone. I’ve been this weight or heavier for almost four years now. Ages 21-25. Those are supposed to be the years you feel best about your body. And I spent them either very obese or just slightly obese. I spent them avoiding swim suits and wearing girdles.

And after all my mental anguish, I am healthier. I no longer have high cholesterol, as I did a few years ago. My blood pressure is down. I’ve lost around 40 pounds from my heaviest weight. I don’t feel like my weight holds me back in any way now. The only reason I want to lose weight at this point is to look better and feel better about my appearance. But I’m starting to doubt if all this obsession is really the best thing for me. I’m having an extremely difficult time even losing ten pounds. I expect it will take around two years of constant obsession to lose the 50 pounds I’d like. And then it will be a lifetime of obsession to maintain that weight.

I’m not saying I’m giving up. I’m just feeling extremely frustrated. It’s like banging your head against a cement wall because everyone tells you it will help you in the end. But after awhile it still hasn’t helped you at all, and you’re still suffering the pain of banging your head against the wall. Wouldn’t you have to be a crazy person to keep doing it?

Maybe my moderate approach isn’t working. This isn’t shocking my body into dropping the weight. My habits just aren’t different enough to constitute a serious change, so my body feels no need to change how it processes energy. Maybe I need to do some kind of crazy diet (think Jillian Michaels or The Zone) to get some weight off. I clearly know how to maintain, so maybe just losing it is the most important thing.

Gah, but I know that’s not the solution. I know Weight Watchers is the best plan for me to change my lifestyle and keep it off in the long run. It just really frustrates me to see myself eating better and exercising more than almost any person in my life, yet still remain fat. One of the fattest people in my entire 50-person office, actually.

I can’t remember the last time I ate something fried (other than a serving of tortilla chips a few weeks ago). I’ve had one baked treat (a 400-calorie cupcake) in the past two months. I eat all my servings of fruit and veggies every day and never eat white carbs. I drink at least 64 oz of water every day. I work out an average of three times a week and walk whenever I can. I eat red meat around twice a month. How can none of this be enough? Obviously it isn’t.

I just don’t feel like playing “the game” anymore. I don’t feel like trying to get the exact right level of calories in/calories out to squeeze out a loss. It’s a never-ending process, and it’s exhausting. I just want to live my life in peace.


  1. No freakin' kidding. I've lost all of 2lbs since Jan 2, despite having calorie deficits that should result in a 2lb loss each week.

    It isn't fair. At all. But getting frustrated and being envious doesn't help after the moment passes. Pick some non-scale victories to celebrate and fitness challenges that will help you recognize your successes OFF the scale. This year, I'm doing a sprint triathalon and maybe a 5k. But I'm also getting my f@t ass to the endochrinologist and maybe back to the nutritionist to find out what the heck is going on.

    Be sure your logging carefully, following your good health guidelines, and accurately estimating food intake. If that's not working, get yer butt to the doc and ask her advice.

  2. Good call, Tina. I'm going to be extra careful with portions and tracking this week.

    And I think a fitness challenge is a great idea--thanks!